than ourselves. Lacking an identity based on religion, community or national pride, we have latched on to something over which we have no control—our birth dates.
While these generational labels can be useful, they more often end up serving as little more than marketing hooks or meaningless sociological shorthand. Even so, if North American popular culture’s obsession with them is any indication, these labels are important enough to justify the denuding of acres of forest and the de-inking of schools of poor helpless octopi for the sake of think pieces on generational behavior.
I have not come here today to pontificate on the nature of these things; I have come to bury a generation and give birth to a new one. In case you haven’t heard—and from the looks of the new Volkswagen ad campaign most of you haven’t—Generation X has unceremoniously expired. In the June 1995 issue of Details magazine, Generation X was declared dead, pummeled into utter meaninglessness by armies of zeitgeist parasites. What astute social coroner made this proclamation? None other than Douglas Coupland, the very man who six years ago oh so innocently inserted the term into the modern lexicon with his novel of the same title.
What Coupland's eulogy says set Gen X apart from its predecessors and, at the same time, caused its downfall, was that it was marketed from its very inception. It took "The Big Chill" and "thirtysomething" to make Madison Avenue take notice of the exploitation potential of the Baby Boomers. But practically from the moment the first copy of Coupland's book rolled off the presses, we saw stringy-haired, plaid-wearing, goatee-sporting slackers touting everything from soda to stock options. So what now? Marketers and social commentators continue to talk about the late Gen X as if it were still a going concern. This display of necrophilia has gotten so embarrassing that I have decided to spare them further indignity and offer them a new movement to milk.
What could follow such a blatantly commercial generation, now that its godfather says it has been relegated to the dustbin of history? The great strength of Gen X, according to Coupland, was its ability to defy the labels the establishment tacked onto it. Thus, as a commercial venture, Gen X was a rousing failure; just when it seemed The Man had pinned them down and niche-marketed them once and for all, they changed.
Generation X loved nothing more than a big dose of exquisite irony. So in its honor and memory, ironically enough, the next generation must be based on something that can't be overexposed or overexploited—because it already has been. Where then does this new hyper-sold, prepackaged, sound-byte-ready ID tag come from? What is out there in the open mass grave of overused media cliches that has been beaten to death more than Gen X, slackers, and grunge combined? Why, the Internet of course! Thus, I proclaim the next generation to be..."Generation @."
So now for the benefit of the rest of the world (who probably can't yet pronounce the beloved little squiggle) I would like to present a little road map, a manifesto even, of what makes Gen @ tick and how it can most effectively be distilled, simplified and sold out. To make it REAL simple, I will break it down into a few basic characteristics. I’ll even use headings.
 
We, Generation @, may be the most cosmically narcissistic generation in human history. If the '70’s had the "Me Generation," this must be the "Me-Dot-Com" generation. All its commercial potential aside, what else is the World Wide Web but a massive ethereal vanity press? In our hands, much of the Web’s bandwidth has become a monument to egotism. For Generation @, being on TV is no longer the measure of being someone; it’s more important to be able to put an "http" in front of your name.
If e-mail addresses will be the 21st century’s phone numbers, then Web sites are to be its calling cards. Actually, they are more our totem poles; we erect them on the front lawns of our cyburban homes to boldly tell the world, "this is who I am! I am the sum of all my likes and hobbies! Want to see a picture of my cat?"
While I do admire the ravenously egalitarian impulse that gave rise to this—that the individual is so significant that even the most ordinary person’s life has a place on the world stage—it positively oozes self-aggrandizement. Writing up a Christmas card newsletter of the events of the past year and sending it to friends and family may be a bit presumptuous, but personal home pages are like posting the same newsletter on the community bulletin board. We fervently believe that everyone cares that we have the entire discography and tour schedule for our favorite band, Pelvic Sneeze, and links to the latest soccer scores from the Tibetan Sherpa League. Why else would we go to the time and expense of fashioning these little altars to our own egos and fetishes?
Anyone doubting the power of this delusion need only look at the numbers. In January, 1994, there were less than 5,000 Web sites on the Internet, the bulk of which probably had to do with Star Trek. As of January 1996, there were hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Web sites. Bacterial populations don't expand at this absurd rate. A huge proportion of this growth is ordinary folks running their egos through a scanner and tacking them up onto well-upholstered home pages.
Marketing Hint #1: Generation @ need not be stroked. We need to be fawned upon.
 
This same self-styling leads to our second primary characteristic: Generation @ distrusts the government. I know, this was touted as a Gen X trademark too, but we REALLY mean it.
Naturally, this characteristic distinguishes Gens @ and X from the Boomers. Until Watergate, they believed that government was only dangerous in the hands of bad people. Then suddenly in early adulthood they were forced to see that government is, itself, inherently deceptive. The Gens, on the other hand, grew up with the ASSUMPTION that the government was made up of a bunch of lying, scheming bastards who had to be watched like Beavis and Butthead in a dirty book store. Generation X, though, distrusted the government because they felt small and insignificant, so marginalized that the great machine couldn’t possibly care what they did. Generation @, on the other hand, distrusts it because we feverishly believe in the significance of our everyday lives, and the impossibility that the powers that run the free world could be uninterested in us. (Come to think of it, maybe if the name "Generation @" doesn’t stick we could try "Generation X-Files").
Marketing Hint #2: Tell us that the establishment is afraid we might buy your product and we'll beat a path to your door.
 
Our mildly psychotic governmental paranoia aside, Generation @ must be the most ferociously democratic gang since the Founding Fathers. It is a basic tenet of Internet denizens that any intrusion into the flow of the 'Net is an intolerable chilling of our freedom. We believe in equal-opportunity shopping in the most wide-open marketplace of ideas ever. Granted, it is kind of a gladiatorial democracy in which you must be prepared to outshout others to keep the floor, but every viewpoint gets a shot.
You see, we were raised in the era when teachers drilled into us the soft and cuddly notion that there are no stupid questions. Generation @ has taken this to heart and made it a political centerpiece.
Marketing Hint #3: Tell us how open minded we are and we'll show you that our wallets are just as open.
 
Most of all, though, our greatest potential for commercial exploitation lies in our faith in the god of information. We know that the answers to all life’s questions reside in the mass of data available to mankind. All we need to do is access and sort through it, and we emerge on the other end as the Computer Age Philosopher Kings! Of course, this is quite a daunting task, especially if you’re saddled with the unreasonable burdens of a day job and a life. So we just sponge as much of it as we can between episodes of "The Simpsons" and fancy ourselves supremely informed.
Marketing Hint #4: Appeal to our hunger for information and we will follow you anywhere.
 
Now I can stand back, slap this newborn fad on its rear end and let it loose on the world. This is my engraved invitation to all the media lampreys and tea-leaf readers to come feed at the trough of Generation @. With my help it won't be long before they have us pigeon-holed, cataloged, profiled, focus-grouped, cross-sectioned and digitized. That should keep them busy and out of our hair for a while.
 
Greg Kramer is a freelance writer living in Calgary, Alberta who maintains a fragile relationship with his computer; somewhere between matrimony and defenestration. All thoughtful rebuttals, kudos, rants and/or raves, web site recommendations, or input of any kind is gladly accepted at kramerg@cadivision.com
